My life, it seems, has been a series of lessons on patience and gratitude, gratitude and patience the past few years. I don’t always pass with flying colors, actually, I might venture to say I fail a lot more than I pass. What I am grateful to say, though, it that I keep getting back up and forging forward when I fail.
I stopped writing for a while because healing was not happening as I desired it to. I gained weight, I was physically exhausted and my emotions were a roller coaster. I was, and continue to, eat a very clean diet of protein and veggies, I take my load of vitamins, I workout, as my body lets me, I pray, I do deep, dirty, forgiveness and living for love work with my coach, and I felt I physically just continued to spiral downward.
Welcome to this new world of an imbalanced thyroid.
Somewhere between surgery 1, 2 and 3 my thyroid said enough. I’m tired. I can’t keep up. What is going on here?!?
Unfortunately for me, this little butterflied shaped love in my throat regulates my metabolism, energy and hormones! Note to all: you do not want one or any of these to be off.
There have been many times in the last year that I said, I’m done, I can’t do this anymore. I fail. Its enough. There were so many times that I’ve gone into my victim, pity pool of why me. Haven’t I been through enough health stuff? I have completely changed my diet, my lifestyle, my habits – all of them. I got really ugly, really mean, really sad, really selfish a lot. I am so far from perfect or patient.
I have also had days where I have been patient and so very grateful for this journey. I could see how getting a tumor, having a hernia, and having surgeries for both have majorly shaped who I am today. I could see that by getting cut so deep I soared so high and found out so much about myself. I could see that I am in such a better place spiritually and how I have grown so incredibly. I have hope for all to come. I can be grateful for my journey and have patience for my body to physically, get there – to where I want it to be. Sometimes.
I want my actions to equal fair results. I want my input of healthy choices to equal an output of a toned body, good health, a clear mind, loads of energy and steady emotions.
Somewhere along the line I believed that if I could just control life, life would give me what I wanted. If I could just control my body, my body would give me what I want (or think I want). I am so grateful God is in control and not me. His love is teaching me so much about my false control theories in this.
I believe that God will keep giving me lessons until I spiritually evolve, until I’m done with this – and then continue even after that to ensure I’ve got it. Only because he’s a good, good father that wants his children to get better, grow and evolve. I want that too. I want to end this vicious cycle with my challenged health, body hatred and emotional torture for my lineage and that of others.
I am not the first in my family to go through health and body issue challenges like this, but my hope is to change this challenge more than just physically, but spiritually for those little beautiful girls that run around that I get to now call nieces and cousins….and the ones that come after them.
I know God knows that. In fact, I believe its one of the reasons He sent me here. He knows that I know and so I feel like He keeps asking me – are you sure, are you sure you want to be the one to end this? I think He is reminding me, this didn’t stick around for generations and effect millions of women like it is effecting me because it is easy to push through.
And then I have patience, when I remember Him telling me these words. And gratitude that He would choose me. And then I solider on and do the work I need to do again, just one more day.
I didn’t think I could come back and write until I was where I wanted to be – healthy, happy, at the weight I desired, without the thyroid or hormone issues, singing from mountain tops. I thought this blog would always be an incredible story of victory and overcoming – and maybe it is – because sitting here, writing this post, showing up in the imperfect, sharing the real, that is winning, that is victory. That is doing Gods work and that is absolutely, perfectly, why I am here.
In health and healing,
Sera Fiana
Sera Fiana 