Tag Archives: breast cancer


It’s taken a 2 a.m. wake up call to get me present this week, acknowledge what is real and happening in my world right now and be ready to share.

Laying in bed, wide awake, on a business trip to Philadelphia, cursing not sleeping, brought me the beauty of recognition that I have some things on my mind and heart that I need to acknowledge.  In my desperation to, in this case, just sleep away the reality, my intuition told me that the short-term reprieve that “sleeping it away” might give me will never measure up to the life-long healing sharing and being present will offer…and so I share.

What is keeping me up?:

My Mom, my beautiful Mother, starts chemo today.

I’m scared.

I’m sad.

I’m hopeful.

I’m present.

I’m praying for my Mothers strength and courage and healing.  I’m praying for my family’s presence and love and light.  I’m praying for faithfulness of believing and trusting in His will.  I’m praying for my own courage to stay present through all of this – to not run or sleep or eat or numb, even if its painful and scary.  I am praying for strength and guidance from God.  I am praying for miracles of love.

I pray that through this my Mother can see how much she is loved and admired and beautiful and deserving of receiving.  I pray for peace.  I pray for forgiveness.

I am hopeful and grateful to have an outstanding woman and Mother to pray for and love and honor.

In the midst of these prayers and this presence, I also give light to my 5 year anniversary of surgery to remove my desmoid, tomorrow, which is also the day that I will be getting my first scans post reconstruction. 

What a gift of healing. 

5 years ago I had no idea where this journey was heading.  I had no idea what was happening and I certainly didn’t know that 5 years later, on the eve of my celebration of 5 years clean from this tumor, I would be praying for my Mother’s strength during chemo for breast cancer.  (I’m not even sure the latter part of that sentence is real to me yet.)  What a gift, my journey of healing can be to her, can be to this new process my family embarks on.  I pray I can offer her the wisdom I gained through this journey and the space to create and experience whatever she needs on her own journey.


God has a plan for us all.  His will is a gift I get to fulfill.

I find strength in God and I find strength in sharing.  My greatest strength this year is being transparent with you…..and me – that I cannot do this alone nor do I want to.  Strength, for me, I am learning, is being vulnerable even when its the scariest choice I (think) I have.  For me, holding in the vulnerable reality of fear and pain and of simply being seen, is even scarier now because I know the behavior isolating and hiding ignites in me – and its not good.  

I ask for prayers, love and light through this week – for my Mother and I as she starts chemo and I go for my scans – for love, strength, healing and miracles – in whatever form God might offer them to us. I pray for you too – for your peace and happiness and love and healing.

In love and healing,




The Voyage for my Voice.

I am on a voyage to find my voice and how to use it.  My truth and how to tell it.  My heart and how to feel it.

Some days of the voyage are easier than others.

Some of the stories on the voyage are easier to tell than others.  Telling you about the healing of my story and the people who have helped me get here gets easier each time I write.

That is using my voice.

Talking about things that are hurting me and scary to talk about in this moment – not so easy,

Finding the balance of engaging in healing, respecting the private time I need to heal and sharing with you during the healing (because its part of the healing) – this is the keeper of my thoughts, fears and the most difficult dance I am mentally waltzing to right now.

That is telling my truth.

Here’s what I want to tell you (and mostly have):
My body is healing well.
I am so grateful for this surgery, my doctors, my friends and family that have got me through.
I love my job and where I live and am at such a place of joy in my life.

Here is what I don’t want to tell you (and mostly haven’t):
My Mom has breast cancer and I don’t know how to deal with that. Even with my history, my job, my life’s path. This is confusing and frustrating.

I am a recovering bulimic, over exerciser and compulsive eater. Many of you have no idea what that means, but for those if you who do know that even though I am in recovery, addiction is a hard disease to live with. When painful events come up, like having a major surgery and then your Mother being diagnosed with breast cancer, you have to use your tools and stay very close to God.

I am feeling scared, confused and hopeful right now.  All at the same time.

This is whats on my heart and how I am feeling.

While I have been in a bit of a cloud of discomfort lately, here are the tools helping me keep the sun peaking through:

Prayer, prayer, prayer – God, keep me abstinent today and positive and faith-filled.

Journaling – I must have filled 3 journals in the last fee weeks.

Reaching out to others – Friends, family, my amazing Steve, and friends in my Programs lift me right up.

Faith – the hope and faith of knowing that life is a journey of highs and lows and I will have both is powerful fuel for my mind.

Gratitude – Having gratitude for all I do have NOW in this present moment is the gift I always have.

So, today I offer you a little of my voice, my truth and my heart –  and in a few days hopefully a little more.  This is the voyage.

In love and healing,



Mom and I at a wedding last weekend. She’s a healing rockstar. Just like me.


Celebrating with Pastor Joel after my baptism last week. What a joy!


Dad and I outside of NCC.