To be seen…here and there.

While I was away, I held onto quite a few “drafts” in this blog that haven’t been posted.  See, I never stop writing.  I just stop posting.  I am a writer.  It is what heals me.  It doesn’t really help to hold onto drafts when you’re trying to free your words and your story, so today I release one of those drafts.  I think its important to release before I get “there.”  Call it poetry, call it a brain dump, call it what you will, but it was my truth one day in the last few months and so I wrote – and I just learned so much from reading it again today.  I hope you do too.

In health and healing,

Sera

40803745_m

To be seen…here and there

I’ve told myself I couldn’t be seen until I looked right, until my idea is right, until I get “there.”

I’ve told myself that the scale has to be a certain number until I am worthy, until I am “healthy,” until I can show up, until I can be seen.

I’ve held onto amazing ideas and projects until their death because they just weren’t “there,” not ready, just yet.

In fact, I have 8 draft posts sitting ready for this blog, just waiting to be “there.”

The challenge is, in 33 years, for many things, I’ve never gotten “there.”  I’ve gotten “closer,” but I’ve never fully gotten “there” to that place I was supposed to be.

Who defined that place?

Who got to decide what it looks like?

How comforting for me that not being perfect or “there” keeps me from trying, flying, soaring, laughing, living, being present, feeling, loving, engaging, trying, exploring, being seen at all.

I don’t have to be vulnerable if I’m not “there” because until  you’re “there,” you can hide here.  I can hide in the background, in the fear, in the pain, in the comforting discomfort.  It’s like a fuzzy blanket that keeps me warm and fools me into believing that by staying wrapped up in it just a little longer I will feel better.  Although I know that what feels really great is throwing off the cover and showing up in life.  It is an intimate, real and loving conversation with a friend, a sweet moment of laugher with the man I love, the sweat on my brow after a long run.  It’s the excitement I feel after a hard job is done and the realization of the lives it impacted.

Somehow, even though I know that, I stay here longer than I want.  Waiting to go there.

Things just aren’t aligned yet. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough.  I’m not ready enough.  They don’t want to hear about it yet.  But, when I get there.  Oh, when I get there.  When the scale says the number I want.  When the idea is fully formed.  When the words are flowing like a river so easily.  When the people I need in my life are organized just so. Oh, when I get there.

I will be loved.  I will be seen.  People will look at me and see me and appreciate me and say, look, there she is.  I can start my future then.  I will be inspired to write my book then.  Oh, when I get there.

I will have my power then.

And then Truth tells me,

Sweet child,  “there,” that doesn’t exist.

There isn’t real.

Here is.

Be seen here, now.

Because it’s a beautiful, real life here that you might just miss living in the pretend of there.

 

Advertisements

4 Comments

  1. lmechenb says:

    Beautiful Sera! Your post reminded me of this quote: “When perfectionism is in the driver’s seat, shame is riding shotgun and fear is that annoying backseat driver.” ~ Brené Brown

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: