On being vulnerable…

One of my goals is to use this blog as a holding place for things that inspire me so I can come back at any time and (selfishly) have them in one place right when I need them.

So, today is one of those.

I love Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday and I love Brene Brown – so Brene Brown on Super Soul Sundays is a heart bursting event for me.  I have, honestly, watched this episode multiple times and my heart is ripped open, confirmed, and filled with hope and inspiration each time.

Dr. Brown, if you don’t know her, has dedicated her life to studying vulnerability and shame.  She has written multiple books I recommend (check out my I heart books tab) and her Tedx talk rocked my world.

The OWN episode is about a 40 minute video, so give yourself time to watch or pick minutes to watch. I really think it is brilliant.  Here is my bookmark of inspiration today:

Brene Brown on Daring Greatly Video

My favorite quotes from the show include:

Vulnerability is not winning, it’s not losing, its showing up and being seen.

Vulnerability is the cornerstone of confidence.

All people really want is for you to show up.

Vulnerability is terrifying and liberating at the same time.

On Vulnerability:  In the very same second I can be brave and scared. LOVE THIS – YES!

Owning our story and loving ourselves through our story is the bravest thing we can do.  AMEN, AMEN.

Authenticity is a practice and you chose it every day, multiple times a day.

Something has haunted me since my last post when I was my crying about not being able to shed the weight as if this is the worst thing in the world….when my Mom is fighting cancer, my body is recovering from my own abdominal reconstruction from the removal of a tumor and so many other crazy, scary, real, big, life altering things are going on in the world.  Here I am worried about my weight, a number on a scale and what you might think of me because of that.  Talk about first class, absurd (yet I know I am not alone) problems.

In reflecting on the victimization of this and the realization that at some point, some time in my life, I decided that the number on the scale and the number on the tag of my pants defined my happiness, my success, my worthiness  – IS BOGUS.  Besides that God says not to worry and especially not to idolize (am I not idolizing my body here), this belief has kept me so small and so focused on the unimportant, so distracted from LIFE and so consumed with who I think others want me to be or when I can be accepted.  Brene’s talk helped to bring to the surface for me that as long as I am chasing what you think of me or when you think I’m worthy (and by you, I mean the world) and by worthy (I mean when my “number” is just right) it will never be enough – because the truth is, when I get to that number I STILL DON’T FEEL THAT WORTHINESS anyway.  So, here is what I think, I have a choice, to live my life in un-worthiness and obsession of the unimportant, distracted from my God given mission here, obsessed with a number that will never really measure up (cause I’ve been to that number and, believe me, I still think this body still needed fixed there) or I can live in vulnerability and love of myself and the worthiness that I divinely have, just like you and every other child of God on this earth, an inherent worthiness and a mission, God’s will for me on this earth.  I decided in the last few days that I’d rather focuses my time, energy and love on God’s will and mission for me, on love, then a number.

My first step, although my heart pounds as I write this, because it is, for me the biggest fear of everything, is to let go of the numbers, be free of the numbers and be real and speak it.  I feel like I’m standing in center square naked here and that you will forever be more powerful and better than me and able to hurt me by knowing this and that you can judge the hell out of me for this, but I do it in the power of my healing (isn’t that why we are here??)…. My “I think life will be perfect” weight/size is 125-130 pounds and a size 4.  Right now I am 145-148 and a size 6/8.  That is my truth and it I have kept these numbers close to my vest for at least 25 years – when my younger self decided my weight, a number, how I looked, defined me.  For the last 5 months, I have hid because of that number.  I have hid because I feel like I am not worthy or cannot fully live when I am “overweight.”  That if you see me there you might reject me.

I let this idea go today.  I free myself from this number because it’s just a freaking number and I betcha didn’t love me for what the scale or my tag says anyway, did you?

I’m scared and feeling a bit brave at the same time, so I guess this is vulnerability at its core.  And at my core, vulnerability is one of my most important values….and so, I win.

In love and healing,

Sera

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