How I am healing..

Ready or not – it’s time for a healing check-in.

Not being ready for this or happy with where my healing is might just be a part of why I’ve been away.

Releasing the absurdity of these feelings and shame feels scary, yet good.

Here’s what the tape in my head is saying:

I am failing because I still have excess weight on my body.

I am failing because I am exhausted and I cannot shake being tired.  I can’t seem to make it fully through a day with full energy.  Not being able to accomplish all I used to in a day feels like failure.

I am failing because I am not running for long periods of time yet.

All this is bunk and a wicked attempt at my mind to keep me small.  I refuse to accept.

Here are the truths:

I have learned to listen to my body in a new way then I’ve known before.  My body needs extra rest right now and by the grace of God I listen and I rest.  I am on pause from working 12 hour days, building huge fundraisers, helping others by giving lots of time (I give some, just not tons – can you tell I hate this??), being super active on board placements that I hold and getting involved in lots of networking organizations.   I still love to do these things and travel too, but right now, I am learning moderation and rest and most of all, I am learning to listen to that small still voice….and that is healing that will last a lifetime and beyond.

The physical.  I do my PT almost every day.  I’m not perfect and some days I totally fail.  Go back to point 1, my body is exhausted in a way I cannot seem to overcome and so I forgive and do what I can.  I am running almost every other day for small amounts 3 minutes x 3 times a day.  I am just grateful for the small moments.

Post-surgery I am fighting anemia, very low iron, which causes fatigue, thyroid issues due to my hormones spiking and dipping (and basically say what the F*>& just happened here), and my body is still healing internally.  My recent visit with a doctor reminded me that although I look all healed on the outside, internally, my body is still healing away….and so I rest and give it space.

Prayer has become so vitally important to get me through my days today.   I’m so grateful l have awesome friends and family around me to continue to teach and remind me of this.

I am learning so much about Forgiveness and how for me, right now it needs to start with forgiving myself.  That feels so selfish to me, but true for where I am.  I release this.

Faith that God has me right where I am supposed to be and that with patience and persistence I will get my energy back and shed the weight – just like I am getting my hair back, which fell out a lot post-surgery, and just like he healed the bloated belly that I had for 5 years with a miracle surgery (how quickly I forgot).  Just like he is always healing my heart and renewing my mind.

believe

Believe is a word that has been on my heart a lot this week.  It’s my Mom and my word.  She’s whispered it into my life since I was a young girl and it’s taken on so many different meanings for me.  Believe in myself was her main message to me as a child and recently, believe, has been our word to get through her experience with cancer –  Believe that this is nothing we cannot handle.

As I learn to walk closer with God, as I read the Bible and learn more about Him, I am learning new ideas about what “believing” means to me.

I’ll leave you with some evolving quotes that have touched me about belief.

One thing I know for sure about my healing this week is that belief and hope in this process offers a greater healing than any 3 minute runs, 10 set of squats or bunch of spinach ever could.  It keeps me pushing towards the promises of tomorrow

.e.r.believe

believe.matthew

In love and healing,

Sera Fiana

 

 

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