Awake.

It’s taken a 2 a.m. wake up call to get me present this week, acknowledge what is real and happening in my world right now and be ready to share.

Laying in bed, wide awake, on a business trip to Philadelphia, cursing not sleeping, brought me the beauty of recognition that I have some things on my mind and heart that I need to acknowledge.  In my desperation to, in this case, just sleep away the reality, my intuition told me that the short-term reprieve that “sleeping it away” might give me will never measure up to the life-long healing sharing and being present will offer…and so I share.

What is keeping me up?:

My Mom, my beautiful Mother, starts chemo today.

I’m scared.

I’m sad.

I’m hopeful.

I’m present.

I’m praying for my Mothers strength and courage and healing.  I’m praying for my family’s presence and love and light.  I’m praying for faithfulness of believing and trusting in His will.  I’m praying for my own courage to stay present through all of this – to not run or sleep or eat or numb, even if its painful and scary.  I am praying for strength and guidance from God.  I am praying for miracles of love.

I pray that through this my Mother can see how much she is loved and admired and beautiful and deserving of receiving.  I pray for peace.  I pray for forgiveness.

I am hopeful and grateful to have an outstanding woman and Mother to pray for and love and honor.

In the midst of these prayers and this presence, I also give light to my 5 year anniversary of surgery to remove my desmoid, tomorrow, which is also the day that I will be getting my first scans post reconstruction. 

What a gift of healing. 

5 years ago I had no idea where this journey was heading.  I had no idea what was happening and I certainly didn’t know that 5 years later, on the eve of my celebration of 5 years clean from this tumor, I would be praying for my Mother’s strength during chemo for breast cancer.  (I’m not even sure the latter part of that sentence is real to me yet.)  What a gift, my journey of healing can be to her, can be to this new process my family embarks on.  I pray I can offer her the wisdom I gained through this journey and the space to create and experience whatever she needs on her own journey.

God has a plan for us all.  His will is a gift I get to fulfill.

I find strength in God and I find strength in sharing.  My greatest strength this year is being transparent with you…..and me – that I cannot do this alone nor do I want to.  Strength, for me, I am learning, is being vulnerable even when its the scariest choice I (think) I have.  For me, holding in the vulnerable reality of fear and pain and of simply being seen, is even scarier now because I know the behavior isolating and hiding ignites in me – and its not good.  

I ask for prayers, love and light through this week – for my Mother and I as she starts chemo and I go for my scans – for love, strength, healing and miracles – in whatever form God might offer them to us. I pray for you too – for your peace and happiness and love and healing.

In love and healing,

Sera