How I am healing…

It occurred to me today that I am 2 months out from having my abdominal wall reconstructed.  Two months from an answer to a prayer, a dream, a wish, I held so closely for the last 4 years – and at the core of my honesty, a prayer answered to a request I’ve placed in the Universe since my young childhood years.  That dream was to have a body I loved and was proud of.  I am here.  I  have so much pride and love for my body right now, in this moment and that is more healing than I could have ever imagined would come with this surgery.

I am not saying my body is perfect (which when I said I want to “have a body I loved” when I was younger was what I thought I wanted).  I am saying that I have a body that is perfect for me, that I am proud of and that I love.  I have a body that is resilient and strong and persistent and beautiful.  I have healed into this place.  It wasn’t just the surgery.  It has been the years of reflection and courage to look at the dark places of why I wanted to be perfect.  It has been the years of coaching and acupuncture, the years of imagery work with my great coach, the time I’ve spent in Program for my eating disorder and the long conversations with my friends, family and community of letting out the “shame” and blame that lived in my head about who I was, or, really, who I thought I was, and who I wanted to be.

I’m grateful for the tears and the pain, the uncomfortable moments of saying things out loud that I thought would embarrass and wound me to my very core.  I am grateful for the courageous people who have stood beside me, taken some of the whiplash of my pain and continued to cheer me on as I healed.  I am grateful for the moments of triumph too.  The moment I found Dr. Hoxworth and knew inside he was the right doc.  The day on the acupuncture table that I was no longer afraid to go back to my first surgery and heal the pain.  The many days when I shared with strangers the wacky relationship I have to my body and food and exercise.  The day that I took accountability for my role in a life long relationship that I played the victim in for way too long – what. a relief. to own my role and responsability .  The day I left finance and took a risk to follow some greater calling that I wasn’t 100% clear on, but knew it didn’t involve me, graphs, a cubical and/or Morningstar.  The day I decided to take a break from BOMF and stand up for what I believed was right.  The day I decided it was okay to hit publish on this blog AND send it to people to read!

All these times play into my healing – and still do.  They play into me being able to go into this surgery confident and ready, grateful and courageous.  They allow me to sail through this recovery with faith, trust, guidance and confidence.

So, how am I healing this week?  Well, more than once this week, I looked at myself in the mirror and said aloud (and confidently), “I love you just as you are.  You are beautiful.”  That’s how I am healing – and better progress than a Vitamin E, kale, walking or resting update I could ever give you this week.

In love and healing,




  1. Chad Snyder says:

    Many of us always thought that you WERE beautiful just the way you were/ ARE. We have ALL been misled by many subtle & not so subtle social ‘conditionings’ to wanna’ look like or somehow physically & mentally mimic the ‘images, models & thoughts that have been projected into our psyches by media & our environment(s) all of our lives. It just takes some ‘time’ on the planet, experience, maturity, self analysis, reflection, meditation, self discovery & regular adjustments in diet, exercise, routine & PERSPECTIVE to finally (begin to) ‘find’, appreciate & love our own individual uniqueness, beauty & marvel in wonder at our amazingly complex bipodal corporeal bio-organism (body, .. its AMAZING !)

    As I’ve been saying for many years now, ” Its ALL right there between your ears.” All of the solutions to ALL of our problems was/ IS right HERE with us ALL the time, we just need to LEARN to look into our hearts & minds for it. ” The kingdom of heaven IS WITHIN YOU !”

    I admire & appreciate your patience, courage & insight. I THINK we are serving our ‘purpose’ (pro-thesis), benefiting ourselves & are at our best when we are serving & helping others.
    I AM so happy for the truths you’re discovering & LEARNING to apply in your life.
    You are ‘positively’ charging & affecting the space & people around you.
    The more that grows exponentially, the more WE affect & change EVERY-one & .. thing around us..
    WE ARE the ‘change’ we’ve been looking & waiting for.. thank you & …
    love you

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