Without YOU…

What would I do without you all?  Without you reaching out, without you reading this, without you sending cheer-filled texts, without your calls, without your cards, without your energy, without your prayers, without YOU – YOU, the one reading this right now?  I don’t fully know what I’d do, I don’t want to know what I’d do without you and I know in my heart that I’ll never have to know because I am surrounded by such a community of love and I chose to not let that go.  I am so grateful for your thoughts and love and I hope you know that.

It’s been a journey for me to have you so close, this community, and to let you in.  To tell you I need you and that I want your love and thoughts and to ask to please send me energy, love, prayers and wisdom.  Its still scares me every once in awhile to ask you for this…to ask for help…to ask for encouragement…to ask for prayers, but each time I do I am elevated, lifted to a new level of safety and happiness.  Even when my ego pinches me – trying to convince me I can just do this on my own I am glad, I can chose to keep reaching out.

My ego tells me that I like to isolate.  I like to withdraw.  In truth, I know I don’t like to, but something feels “safe” to me about that – its so weird because in honesty, it doesn’t feel safe or comfortable or happy at all.  Here’s the recent example and why I bring this up:

The last week shook me.  I was prepared, soaring, feeling great going through surgery, home from the hospital on target, I felt steady and in control and then BAM, flu/vomiting back in hospital, intubated, fear, fear, fear of what did I do, what is going on, am I going to go back in to surgery, will I pull my stiches, will I re-herniate, what did I do, what did I do, what did I do?  These were my crazy thoughts.  I used to isolate and pull away when things like this happened, be with my thoughts and analyze all those above questions.  I ate the wrong thing, I took the wrong med, I didn’t clean my hands enough and all made me sick.  No one can help me.  I did this.  In situations like this I want to withdraw and not allow anyone to break my thoughts, not allow anyone to see the shame or the blame I was placing on myself.  Not show others how bad or wrong I am.  But I have learned by leaning into the fear and the thoughts, by doing what scares me (reaching out to you) that I am okay.  That I don’t need to isolate.  That by isolating and withdrawing, I am perpetuating the fear that I don’t want to live in.  I am giving it life by feeding it.  I don’t want to live in fear.  I want to live in love and happiness, I reach out.  That is why I call.  That is why I ask for help in this time when I do need it a little more.

I am doing well now.   Walking at least 4 times a day,  Spending fun quality time with my Dad.  My surgery site looks great and mostly, I am continuing to receive and reach out to you.   It’s HOT here is TX, but we’re finding ways to beat the heat.  I had a follow up appointment with Dr. Hoxworth and things look great.  Next step is physical therapy – YES (routine, exercise, connecting with my body – its a song right to my heart:)

I’ll check in again, soon, promise I will because, you know now if you didn’t before that I need YOU and I’m so grateful for you.  I hope you, too, have a great community of friends, family and healers that surround you.

In love and healing,


Some of the LOVE I have here in person in Dallas:

Dr. Hoxworth releasing me from the hospital – round 1!


Mom and I ready to leave hospital – round 2!


Dad and I leaving Dr. Hoxworth’s office after check up!  Great results!



1 Comment

  1. Laura says:

    Hey girl! You are so sweet! I totally know how you feel and have been there – blaming myself for getting sick and second guessing all of my decisions. It is hard not to go there sometimes. I think you are so brave for sharing your journey with us. I am so very glad you are out of the hospital and recovering! Keep up the great work of letting your body heal. I find it seems to take more discipline for me to allow myself to rest. Love all the pictures! Hugs! 🙂

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