Courage…or?

I recognize that I am fighting writing a little bit right now. I am not sure what it is I have to say and what to share, so why write, right? Wrong, Miss Sera – that equals exactly the time I need to share. I am busying my time with work and connecting with friends (thanks to all that have been calling and making time to check in) and preparing for surgery. Which makes me question – is all this busi-ness (business – ha) real or am I making it up to not be present with what is happening? I feel very much in a different place as I go into this surgery. I feel like I am being present with what is happening in a different way then I have known before, but my running, running of the last few days makes me wonder – am I?

Do I have a lot to do right now? Coordinate information with the hospital, book flight, book hotel, spend time with loved ones, prepare to be out of work, pray, read, write, take vitamins, eat healthy, buy healthy food to eat healthy, make sure the people that I know I need around me to lift me know about what I am going for, pray, spend time with my Higher Power, exercise and walk – sure, I have a few things going on, but I also need to be still with myself right now and be present with my body and what it is telling me and teaching me. If I’ve learned anything during the last few years it’s that my body gives me the answers I need. It always tells me hey, hurting here – please pay attention…little fatigued here – hello? Or, I feel great, lets go for a run. Do I always listen – no? For me, I fear a place of complaining, whining and letting myself off the hook versus a real place of hearing my intuition and hearing my body and what it needs. A wise person told me recently that I’ve been surfing on a line between courage and, well, stupidity over the past few years with my belly and I heard this and have been sitting with this idea – is it true? What does this mean? Well, I’ve been in chronic pain, for those of you that have seen me, you know my stomach has been severely swelled for most of, at least, the past 2 years…I’ve been rushed to the hospital. My kitchen has been a medicine cabinet of concoctions of ways to make me feel better wether it be whole foods, vitamins, tinctures or new food mixes. I’ve tried new exercises, I’ve slept and I’ve been really tired…some days I’ve heard my body…just heard…some days I’ve listened and rested, but most days, I think I’ve ignored in fear of the truth of what the answer might be. Is this surfing a thin line of courage and stupidity? I think it might be – courage to try to figure this out on my own – Sera Style – and stupidity to maybe not push for answers like I have now sooner. I must stop myself there because the miracles that have been happening in my life lately and the answers I have been receiving from the Prayers I’ve put out over the past few years – by the Grace of God – are being answered in the right time for me. All things are coming together just as they are supposed to. The doctor, the community of support I have, the people in Dallas to support me, the vacation just before all of this, the medical support around me here in DC and in TX…the list could really go on and on. So, I end my rambling with this…am I following my intuition? Was I always following my intuition? Maybe, maybe not…maybe we cannot really know that until we look back. Maybe we can sometimes be fully present with our intuition and other times just slightly……or maybe we can always hear the intuition and we chose to not listen because it’s too scary or just not want we want to hear? I think the latter is where I am for right now…right now I chose to hear and feel and it all feels incredibly rewarding. And I am so grateful.

IN love and healing,
SFS

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1 Comment

  1. chad snyder says:

    “…the right time for me. All things are coming together just as they are supposed to..”
    I’d agree that your experiences have been accumulating to & FOR this particular time…you’ve been ‘pre-paring’ even when you weren’t consciously aware of it.
    I’d also venture to suggest perhaps that the ‘paradox’ you alluded to was more in the arena of a ‘thin line’ between bravery & foolishness than between ‘courage & stupidity’, ‘stupid, you’re NOT !.., similar to that proverbial ‘thin line’ between a genius & a madman…, . 😉
    love you

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