Travel – Part 2

From June 20: I’m writing aboard a train from Stockholm to Gothenburg today. The sun is shining, I am ending several beautiful days in Stockholm with my Mom and I am grateful. My biggest complaint is I am sad to be as tired as I am, I am uncomfortable given how constipated I am (two of my biggest pains at this point) and I’m frustrated at my weight which is 10 pounds over where I would like to be. I’ve been comfortable with my weight here, letting it to and accepting where I am. It’s my body – my vessel to accomplish things and nothing more. My body has and continues to be so healthy and wonderful, not only taking my physical beating over the years of going, going, going, but also my mental bashing of no matter where I was with my weight, it was never enough. Never thin enough, strong enough, fast enough, never perfect, never worthy of being admired or accepted – by who, I wonder? Mostly me – I’m learning. I didn’t ever want to accept who I was, where I am from and how I act. It is not my fault it is not me and it is never enough. This is not who I want to be or my view on life. I’ve learned so much over the past 5 years about how I want to act and who I want to be and I know that although I will never be perfect I can move far more towards achievement of my dreams if I am more positive and distinctive about what I do want focusing less on what I fear or what I don’t want. I know a few things I am sure I want: a healthy, strong body and mind at a weight I feel comfortable at – 130, a moderately swift recovery time (ample time for healing and relaxation) with an admiral turn back to strength, to me this means the ability and discipline to work out moderately, run regularly, and travel regularly, I would like to create consistent, strong work outs to build my core strength and that surrounding to a point that I don’t think about the surgery….ah- that is a dream to be Sera without the everyday painful reminder that I had surgery. The skin scar I can handle. The pain and bulge, please let it go. That is my wish. To be rid of the pain in my stomach and my back. To eat and not swell and be in pain. That is what I dream of, so in positive designing terms – I want to live in a strong, healthy, slim poised body that enjoys the feeling of working out and eating healthy, that thrives and flourishes on long runs…..my dream is to be happy and present in my body always. No matter what.

Sfs

Advertisements

1 Comment

  1. Laura says:

    So very powerful and profound! I said all of the same things about myself – I call that voice my inner critic. I now notice when she is talking, thank her for her advice, but tell her that “I’ve got this.” It is hard to accept these things when you are in so much pain, but I believe this will pass for us. Our time for healing and strength is coming!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: