Following my Gut…

I’m back from a great trip to Sweden and although my posts might not be “perfect” from my time there, I am grateful I wrote while I was there – if even for a little.  My commitment with starting to write again was that I would write at least 3 times each week, if only a sentence on the days I don’t feel like writing.  As I write this now, I realize how ridiculous all this is, the writing, the logging, the journals, if I don’t share it with you and let you know what I am going through.  I’m scared to open up and make this blog public, to promote it…because, well, then, when you read it, you can now judge me and my experience and all that is going on in my world and head that I am sharing with you right now.  You can decide if you think I am making up this illness in my head or if it is real.  You can decide if I am being dramatic about my experience of if I am being honest and sincere.  You can decide if you want to read, comment, talk to someone else about it, judge me, relate to me, be inspired by me, criticize me or just read and move on…and all of that scares me.  I want you to like me and be inspired by me.  I want you to believe my words and trust that what I am saying is all true – I am in pain, I need surgery and I’m scared – maybe I want me to believe that more that you – that is what I just realized by writing the last line.  I am so scared right now….so scared that it doesn’t even feel like scared.   It feels like judgment.  The thoughts in my mind lately include – Am I really in pain or am I making this up for attention?  Am I really suffering or is this all the way I am eating?  Could I cure all of this by eating cleaner and healthier portions?  Is it fair to put my Mother and family through this again – the travel, the caring for me, the questions, the fear?  Do I just need a break in my life and due to this I am causing this whole scene?  Is. this real?  Do I need to move forward in this?  Some of these questions have legitimacy for me and some are so false – yes, I am in pain often, yes, I could probably eat better, smaller portions at many time and feel better, but cleaner?  I think I’ve done a lot of good work around my diet and still had pain, in fact I know I have.  My Mother, Father, sisters and friends have all said they would be there for me no matter what I need  – so “putting them through this” is my own stuff – they want to help, just as I would be there to help them – they are grateful to help and will be there in a second doing more than I could ever ask.  And the do I really need to do this – my gut says, yes, yes, yes – and after 5 years of learning about my intuition and gut, I know it leads me in the right ways.  I can’t control the outcomes, but my gut tells me, if I keep being true to myself great healing is coming – in fact it is already here in the actions I am taking now – writing, listening, reaching out to others, being honest, trusting and being real.  Another journey I have not shared yet on this blog that has been powerful in the past few months is my introduction to a wonderful church in my new home town and a wonderful group of people that have started to open up my heart and mind in a new way.  I am embracing this right now and learning from it and sorting it out and surely will share in the coming weeks

I learned in writing this blog that I need to open this up and share….I’m afraid of the courage that will take and as I write this now, I’m still not sure if I am ready.  I was reminded that my intuition is the most important guide for me.  I also reminded myself that you might like me, you might not, you might agree with what I say, you might not, but I can’t let that control my honesty, control my actions or control my life.  I’ve done that before and its suffocating….freedom for me lies in listing to me….following my gut.



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