I chose…

I have fought to not write tonight because I just don’t know what to say. I was supposed to have a call with the physician tonight to go over what his thoughts are for surgery and he got called into the OR and couldn’t make it. I was (am) disappointed, frustrated, wanting answers, sad, and okay with it – all at the same time. I know he is a surgeon and this can happen and if I was in the hospital and needed him in the OR, I would hope he’d cancel a conference call to be with me too. I hope whoever he was going to see is doing well and feeling better due to the time he was able to spend with them.

I am in pain tonight. I’m not sure if it is what I ate or the walking I did today or if the pain is just getting worse at this point becuase I think I know what it is. I realize I have been putting up with this for far too long and it has been effecting me so much. I’m so ready to be better and to feel like I can work out when I want (as I want) and I can feel beautiful in my clothing and get dressed up and not feel like I need to hide my stomach. I want to be able to eat dinner without taking a bunch of things to help digest it. I want to feel better….I also know I can feel as I want right now. Its in the power of my mind and actions. I can be grateful for finding Dr. H and I can focus on healing now, focus on sending healing thoughts to my stomach now, I can love myself where I am now, in the pain I am in, at the weight I am at, in this moment of still being unsure….I don’t know that I’ll ever have all the answers to this pain. I cannot be confident that this will all ever make sense…..I know I can, however, chose to be okay and at peace with what I do know and where I am, in this moment. In this moment, I am safe. I am here, writing this blog, breathing, alive, in pain, I probably ate too much for dinner and that is where the pain is coming from. I can make a choice to eat less then next time and blend my food more so it isn’t so painful. I can chose to rest more the rest of the night and tomorrow. I can chose to accept where I am as the perfect place for me right now because it is. It is God’s will for me right now and I can be okay with that.

The truth is, I leave for Sweden tomorrow and it is a life dream. I can grab onto that, be excited and grateful and move into a relaxing fun time for the next few weeks until this surgery and release the pain, the frustration and pain and grab the gratitude, joy and excitement of vacation, beautiful time with my Mother in a beautiful country and the knowledge that we have a looming answer in the works for the pain I have been in.

I am grateful for the possability of answers today and my ability to chose.



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