Truthfully…

I’d rather not write the truth in thoughts that are floating in my head, but I also know that the truth will set me free and that historically, when I told my truth, I felt much better. My truth is that instead of really worrying about the surgery right now – the what is happening to my insides, my body – I am worried about gaining weight now as I can’t work out, potentially gaining weight post-surgery when I will continue to not work out. I’m worried about how I should be eating now that I understand what is going on. I know I should be doing softer foods, more smoothies, soups, ect. and being so focused on my nutrition this should be easy. Traveling and making these decisions are difficult – staying home and making these decisions are difficult. I want to be able to eat like others. I don’t want to be special, but at the same time, I’m so grateful I am because it makes me me. So, what are my excuses for not drinking smoothies and eating soup right now:

  • Its too hard to do so when I am traveling
  • It takes a lot of planning and I don’t have time like that
  • I get too hungry and want more
  • I like to chew food and want to have that option
  • I don’t want to be different and have to tell people I can’t go to dinner and need to make special arrangement
  • I want to cheat
  • I’m so confused at this point what I can and cannot have – can I have fruit? can I not? can I have honey? can I not?
  • By transitioning to smoothies and soups will I eventually just binge because I am not getting enough to eat?
  • How do I get my protein when doing smoothies all the time? I think soy and rice bother me and a lot of protein powders seem to be made of this
  • Can I sustain this and why even start it if I cannot sustain this

I am leaving for sweden this week and I’m unsure of how I can keep up this diet while traveling. I know it makes me feel better and will be important to my comfort and fun while on vacation, so what can I do to make this work?

  • Buy a single serve smaller smoothie maker to take with me
  • Buy fruits and veggie as soon as I get there and continue to do so throughout to stay on track, eat lots of soup and fresh fish
  • Tell my mother (travel companion) my plan and have her help me stay on track.
  • Tell other people (you) and friends – to help keep me accountable
  • Turn this over to the faith that God will help provide me with just what I need and keep me focused on healing

As you can see, I’m more scared of hurting myself than I am of anyone else hurting me – the surgeon, the surgery, ect. I am scared about the way I eat and exersize prior and post. Mostly I am scared about how to keep my mind settled and strong. How do I stay steady? I know that meditation, prayer, faith and reaching out to friends and family is the best way to stay grounded and not overwhelmed in my head. I find a delicate balance between being vulnerable and being honest about those things that scare me and not feeling negative or like I am being a downer… That reminds me to also make sure I share with you that I am so hopeful and full of gratitude of the recent opportunities that have presented themselves over the past few weeks. I am so grateful for the answer to the pain – the surgery answer. The people in my life to support me through that – Laura, for her courage of letting me know that this is the problem and that we can live through the answer. My medical oncologist at CTCA encouraging me easily to go see this surgeon. To the friends and family that have supported me through these options. I am grateful for the foundation and healing tools I have also created since the last surgery. I created more than just focusing on food, which I need to remember now. I can meditate, I can reach out to others, I can write, I can listen, I can be – just be…quiet and be okay with what is happening. I love these tools and the power to use them. That is what I just remembered. That’s the truth.

XO,

Sera

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2 Comments

  1. Laura says:

    Oh wow, Sera. Again, this all really resonates with me. The diet, healthy lifestyle, and fear of gaining weight – that this might make the problems worse. I am so proud of you for taking this leap of faith. You are worth it! We will share recipes and eat healthy together as our bodies heal and we become stronger! 🙂

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