The day after…

I wanted to write last night, thought about it, but was just too tired and needed to process my feelings individually before sharing.  My appointments at CTCA were yesterday and I basically just got confirmation from my oncology team that it very much looks like I have a hernia and basically my abdominal wall in broken down and not holding anything in.  This is the reason for all my bowel problems, digestion problems, pain, ect.  I don’t want to talk about all the symptoms with you.  I don’t want to share that I am chronically constipated and how embarrassing (and painful that is)  I don’t want to talk about how much it rules my life because I know if I do X (insert, travel, eat a certain thing, eat at a certain time of day, get stressed, run or don’t run, ect.) I won’t be able to go to the bathroom and then my gut will get so full and bloated and be so uncomfortable that I won’t be able to go anywhere and then I’ll get so tired and, oh, its a cycle.  An embarrassing, limiting cycle that has gone on for years now, getting worse and really effecting me.  I’m grateful, so joyous to hear from fellow desmoid survivors that after having this surgery this pain, these issues have gone away.  I feel so, so grateful that this surgeon has come in my life, these survivors have come in my life and that I have friends and family that are so supportive of me and simply say, without hesitation – where do you need us, when do you need us, what do you need?  I feel so lifted by my community and so grateful for the support.  I feel so honored to have this life that can support my healing.  I’m ready for this, and I know that deep in my heart.  I just have to be willing to say honestly what is happening and not be ashamed or embarrassed,  my abdominal wall has broken down, it needs reconstruction and repair, the only surgeon I can currently find with the kind of experience I am looking for is in TX.  I am having a consult with him in the next few days and will know more details after….oh, and I’m grateful and joyous and hopeful that I have movement forward and the right people in my life.  God is good to me, so good….and I will remember that every step of the way.

XX,

SFS

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2 Comments

  1. Lynne says:

    YES. This is so authentic- and so clear- and makes so much sense. This is YOUR experience, but ANYONE can benefit from hearing this. The physical pain, the shame, the fear- so much trepidation, but the willingness to hold onto those around you to remember you are never alone. Excellent, Sera. So proud of you.

  2. Laura says:

    Isn’t it nice to have confirmation from healthcare professionals that something is wrong and it’s not just in your head. The pieces will come together when you see Dr. Hoxworth. You inspire me, Sera! 🙂

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