I’m back.

I haven’t been here for awhile…I know awhile, but its the first place I knew to go as my mind is swirling into next steps, what do I do, how do I feel, where do I let this out….so I’ll just dive in and share, not sure if I’ll ever share this with anyone, but grateful to just get it out. I had the fortune to hear from a fellow survivor last night about a surgery she had to repair herniated mesh in her abdomen following surgery. I have never need to hear “me too” so much in my life – my stomach was bluging out and people asked if I was pregnant (me too!), I was always having bowel problems and constipatied (me too – no one wants to share that and I feel so vulnerable writing that), I had so much pain in my stomach area especially after working out or activity (me too), I changed my diet and my life to try to ease pain (ME TOO), my doctors told me it was in my head (ME TOO), no one knew what to do (ME TOO), I had pain and pressure on my bladder (me too), I was determined to find an answer (ME TOO). I have been praying on this so much and have so much gratitude for answers coming, so much excitement that my pain and shame can potentially be removed. I have so much shame for looking the way that I do. I have so much embarressment around my stomach. What did I do? Why do I deserve this? How did I make this happen? These are questions I ask myself everyday. I work on loving myself with this bulging stomach, but I’m embarressed and feel so gross. If I can’t even look at me how will others want to. I knew something was wrong and it wasn’t just post surgery stuff and I’ve done so much to try to heal, but I still sit in this place of discomfort. I have so much hope now. I am scared of logistics. Scared of trying to figure it all out. Scared that this is just another “fix” I am trying, but I know it not to be true. I am excited about the more mature and spiritual sound person I have become through this process and how I can handle this entire event differently. I do not have to be dramatic or a vicitm. I can be empowered and educated. I can let others help me and support me. I know how to be supported with my mind, body, spirit, my food, my fears, my life. I can feel calm and confident. I am grateful for the support of all the people I have in my life….the community that lifts me up.

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2 Comments

  1. Laura says:

    Sera,

    I am so glad that sharing my story gives you hope. I believe hope is so important! I know we are not the only two girls out there dealing with this. Our stories will inspire others. Stay strong!

    Love,

    Laura

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